Fearlessly CourageousDesk of Dennis Piller12/16/2022Click for Audio
Are you struggling to figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Maybe you aren’t even sure if you are dealing with toxic family members or if your family is simply annoying.You know you want to be a good Christian and do the right thing, but it seems like no matter how much you love, forgive and turn the other cheek, the mistreatment never stops — only gets worse.Well, let me share that you are not alone!
You don’t want to start cutting people out of your life or cut ties with toxic family members or friends for no reason.
But I do think it’s great that you’re asking, “What does the Bible say about toxic family members?” rather than just lashing out in response to your hurt feelings.We all know Luke 6:27 Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Do unto others etc. But, loving someone well does not mean always playing “nice,” always being the peacemaker, or just letting other people walk all over you. This isn’t love–it’s called enabling.A better definition of love would be: honoring the true dignity of another person, acknowledging their inherent worth as human beings, created and loved by God, and doing everything in your power to do good for them and to act in their best interest. Yes, it absolutely can include being “kind” (see 1 Cor. 13:4 ), but it’s so much more than that. And in fact, if you really examine the way Jesus behaves in the Gospels, his actions aren’t always what we consider “nice.” Jesus tells the Pharisees, “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” in Matthew 12:34.And let’s not forget how “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves” in Matthew 21:12.
Now, I wouldn’t actually recommend you call your in-laws dogs or vipers or flip their tables! My point here is ONLY that the Bible does not teach us that we need to be super polite, calm, and passive to the point of being walked over and enabling others in their sins.
In fact, Jesus instructs the apostles to “leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” in Matthew 10:14 and to “treat [unrepentant sinners] as you would a pagan or a tax collector” in Matthew 18:17.Jesus’s plan for our lives isn’t to make us “nice.” It’s to make us (and our loved ones) holy. Sometimes that means treating others kindly. But other times that means protecting ourselves and our families instead of protecting the feelings of others who insist on pursuing sinful attitudes or behaviors.In the best-case scenario: you may realize that the other party truly didn’t mean to hurt you and that they were unaware that their behavior was coming across so hurtful. If this is the case, then you may simply need to have a conversation.Yes, there are absolutely times when you may need to take action (there are times when cutting people out of your life is the right choice to make), but let’s not jump there quite yet.
Next, take a minute to look at yourself and any part you may have played in the issue: Have you done anything to make the situation worse? Or failed to do something to make the situation better?While the situation may not ultimately be “your fault” (especially in cases of outright abuse), once we reach adulthood, each of us is responsible for and accountable for our own actions.And this is good news! Because it means that you have the power and ability to choose different actions and to improve your situation.
But if you have done (or continue to do) things that hurt the other party, they may be acting out of that hurt. And a heartfelt apology for any wrongdoings on your part may be just what the other person needs to heal.You aren’t responsible for them, but you are responsible and accountable for YOU — no matter what they’ve done to “deserve it.”So what behaviors will you accept? Which behaviors will you not accept? Where is the boundary? the book “Boundaries” by Dr Henry Cloud is a really helpful resource!
Here’s the advice that Brittany Ann gave to someone:
"Personally, I would explain, incredibly politely, that while you love them, you cannot allow them to continue to hurt you and your children in this way.(If you even want to explain at all. I mean, you’ve had this conversation several times now. I don’t know if it is necessary to say anything else.)I would be careful to be as unemotional, straightforward and polite as possible, to avoid saying anything that could be taken as accusatory, and to just speak out of your concern for the children. For example, “We’ve spoken with you several times about how we feel as though you favor the other family over us. This has really hurt us and our family, as we want to have a relationship with you too, but it never seems to happen. Unfortunately, I cannot allow my children to have their hopes up and be so disappointed every time. For this reason, we will not be spending as much time with you” etc etc in your own words. Then, if they call, you’re busy or cannot help them out at this time.(Which is true–you are busy… doing anything else other than being mistreated by toxic family members… even if that’s just washing the dishes or playing with the kids. That counts as busy.)” Lastly, Seek wise counsel from friends and family you trust to make sure your boundaries are reasonable, let the other party know what your boundaries are, and then stick to them. There’s no need to feel guilty. The Bible encourages you to set Biblical boundaries with family where necessary.
A particularly vivid example of Jesus letting someone walk away occurred at the Last Supper. Jesus knew Judas was going to betray Him.He spoke about it in advance.And yet He allowed Judas to walk out of the room. He didn’t chase after him. He didn’t waste time trying to change Judas’s mind.Instead, He spent every last minute he had left investing in his faithful, reliable disciples and in prayer right up until the moment he was arrested.
Many plastic bracelets have been sold with the words “What Would Jesus Do?” If you’re dealing with toxic people, you may want to get a bracelet that reads,
“What Would Jesus Not Do?”I pray you make it a Jesus-filled holiday season.
Zach William Fear is a Liar https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1srs1YoTVzs&list=PLCd-wh1hNZpQRQZ73gnTCeUYflnkLMF_S&index=13Excerpts are taken from Brittany Ann’s article on How to Deal with Toxic Family Members biblically.
